This is the first time I have spoken openly about it... the date was Friday, October 10th, 2003-- (almost exactly 10 years ago). I was 21 years old, and I was married to my "high school sweetheart", Richard James (who was 23). And this is where the story begins and the day I died inside.......
Rick was at his mother's home in Des Moines, IA. I was supposed to go down there that afternoon to see him, but I had to wait on my car to get fixed and decided not to go to class that day. It was 10:20 a.m. when I received the life altering call. The person on the other end of the line, was Rick's mom, Liz. The first words I heard were, "Jayme, honey, he's gone." And being as young as I was, I said, "where did he go? To see a friend? Tell him I will be on my way soon." That's when she said, "you don't understand...he's gone, we found him this morning. He's dead, Jayme." Tears instantly filled my eyes and I dropped the phone, while screaming the words "no!" and "please god no". Fortunately, there was a friend where I was at and he offered to give me a ride to my apartment, and my roommate wasn't home--but only a few minutes later, my brother-in-law Ray pulled up to take me to Des Moines.
The start of one of the most devastating times of my life; I began the journey to accepting death. When I got to Des Moines, I learned that Rick had died in his sleep and was found with foam around the mouth. I later found out he had a stroke during sleeping and he probably never even knew he passed. At the time, he was on several medications--which may have contributed to his untimely death. And, I remember thinking, our lives together were cut short and I wasn't ready to let him go! I was so young and had never really dealt with anything of this gravity.
Now, the night before he passed, we had talked on the phone. We had an argument, and honestly I can't remember what we fought about...but he was mad at me and hung up. I tried to call back, but his sister said he had gone to sleep. This was the last conversation I had with him, didn't get the chance to say I loved him, or even goodbye. We didn't have the chance to make up either... I am a christian, but I have never forgiven myself for this! To this day, I regret the way things were left, and I didn't even have the option to change it.
When the time came to "say goodbye", we headed off to the funeral home. Before this point, it hadn't really hit me. I walked into the room with his casket, and I saw him laying there and just screamed and scream and screamed...it's like I couldn't stop! It took 4 people to get me out of there, and then I was walked outside and I just lost it...I remember saying "this is real, isn't it?" I knew he was gone for real...
I think he knew he was going to go--you know what they say? That people who are about to die just get this feeling?? I whole-heartedly believe that! About a month before his passing, we had a conversation. He told me when he died, he didn't want me to be too sad (but he knew I would be), and wanted me to be able to move on and love again. "Seriously, move on with your life whenever this happens" is what he said. At the time, I had no idea how real those statements would turn out to be. It was also around this time, I had several nightmares...the same one every time. In the dream Rick had died, and I couldn't deal with it...maybe it was a warning to what was to come? Premonition (dreaming someone's death).
Following the funeral, I came around to make sure his mom was okay. But after a while, the family basically disowned me. So, within a space of a few months, I lost my husband and half of my family. That made it even harder........but I still had a friend in my sister-in-law Dana, and though we don't talk much, she helped me make it through this and we were there for each other. I don't think I would've made it through without her.
It's been almost 10 years now, and I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't miss him or think about him... I remember all the good times and the bad, I remember his smile, how he could light up a room, and most of all; what he meant to me and our life together.
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